Regrets

Hello readers,

I'm going to tell you upfront that this is going to be a long, draggy personal post.

Do you remember when we're small, we often make mistakes that somehow hurt one of our own? Well, yeah. I was the same and things that I've done has gone beyond apologising. I don't even know how to start my post.

I think that the person I wish I can make it all better for is my mother. There are many things that I've done that I couldn't make it up to her. So much suffering that I've caused all because of my childish, immature act and thought. Although everyone say, people make mistakes in life and that we have to learn from it.


How can you forgive yourself for making that mistake when everything else haunts you for it? 


And right when I thought what's past is past, no. Apparently, these are the mistakes that I've made in life where the wound is too big to fully heal. The same old mistake that I made was brought up during one of our talks and from the looks of it, it's not good. Many times I read people's blog about their issues with family and how sorry are they and how they want it to be better, I'd always be able to relate to it and their stories were touching, giving me hope that I can turn things around too but at the end of the day, nothing's change. What's done is done.

Mistakes made are mistakes that will never be forgotten, just forgiven. I've seen it runs in my family, and I'm afraid I'm the caused of it now. What makes it worst is that I don't think I really stood up for my mother. If I were to count the times my mother stood up for me, and the times I stood up for my mother, it would be a great difference.

I really want to apologise for everything that I've done. All those words that were spoken by me, so unbelievable. How can such person utter those words. For all the times that I could hold my patient longer, just a littler longer and I wouldn't have to humiliate you. If only I were to be more mature by then, more thoughtful, you wouldn't feel this way now. How I wish I can take it all away. To lift your mind from all this burden words that were said to you.

. . .

Another person that I want to apologise is to those that I've meet. All of you. Sorry for the times I wasn't more considerate about your feelings. For saying things on impulse that comes off hurtful. For being caught in the moment becoming more harshly and letting other people misjudge you for my action.

Sorry to the those that I've hurt when I'm upset with you, saying things just to hurt you which is unacceptable because these are the words you shouldn't say no matter what. If only I were more mature then. I want to apologise for being childish over things that you couldn't change. For blaming you over things that isn't your choice for being in that situation.

I'm sorry for being such a let down. For not being able to be a little stronger when needed, to not break down. Regrets like this just keep piling inside and I wish I can remove it all.


Then again, your past is what makes you now.

I know my thoughts are contradicting, but at the end of the day, we can only pick ourselves up and keep going forward. Mistakes made are things we have to put more effort in making it right. Hopefully, I can turn this around with everyone.

Sorry for this depressing vibe, thank you for reading though.

signing off now, xx.